Becoming Who I Am

Who would I have been? How would it have affected my life, our marriage, my kids’ lives? The other day, my husband & I watched a short video clip of her smiling, talking, and singing. I was choked with the sobs of grief I’d held inside for years.

I leaned into my husband. He let me cry and commented, “life would have been so different if she had lived, wouldn’t it?”.

That rocked me back to the present and I thought about what he said. I know God has things happen for a reason. I know that He is shaping us into who He wants us to be and I am so thankful my mom is at rest and peace with Jesus!

Maybe I wouldn’t have been able to deal with my oldest daughter’s sickness as well if I hadn’t already had to deal with my mom’s.

Maybe I wouldn’t have survived the loss of my son if I hadn’t already lost my mom.

Maybe I wouldn’t have accepted this life I have been given, where I have had to embrace being a “homemaker” more literally than some.

I sometimes feel like I would be stronger if my mom were here, but would I be? My life might have been easier in many ways because honestly, my mom would have been a huge help and support to me over the years, but would I have been stronger??

I don’t think so. I think I would have been more selfish, more dependent … less compassionate, less caring.

Not that having my mom here would be bad at all, but going through so much with her during the last few years of her life when I was just 17-21 years old changed me. I learned a lot, became a different person in many ways.

If she hadn’t been sick if she hadn’t died… I wouldn’t have gone through those things and I wouldn’t have learned what I have.

Every day is a learning experience, really. Take each day as it comes… learn from it… be thankful for each moment you get with loved ones… and most importantly never forget what Jesus has done for us… that’s what I have learned!

Our lives’ changed drastically in mere seconds one day in February of 2003 when my mom had a major seizure which led us to find out her brain cancer was aggressively growing again.

It was a lifetime ago and much has happened since then. My oldest daughter was diagnosed with a debilitating disease in 2008, my son died 88 minutes after his birth in 2011, I was very sick and diagnosed with an autoimmune disease in 2012, and I’ve given birth to 6 children since her death.

I’m not sure my mom would recognize me now… or maybe she was able to see a glimpse of who I would become before she left, in the years my siblings and I helped my dad care for her? I hope so.

Who I am all comes down to a few facts. I am simply a sinner, saved by grace, molded by His hand.

I have been shaped by experiences, failures, accomplishments, loss, and gain. Every day, I am changed a little more.

He uses my husband, all 8 of my kids, my friends near & far, my work, my health, my routinely mundane life to create in me a new creature.

I have been through things I never expected I’d face. I’ve been blessed with gifts I never thought I’d receive. Reflecting on the last 15 years, I realize that I have been becoming who I am.

And who I am is nothing without Jesus Christ.