Life is full of milestones. We reach them by various means, whether through time on earth or through experiences lived. This year I will reach a time milestone: my 30th birthday.
I feel like in years, I am still young. In experiences, I am old.
Oh, I know that there are many experiences I have not had and much more that are to come. However, I have experienced a lot. I’ve heard that eyes are a window to the soul. I believe it. My eyes reveal an old soul.
I have experienced a lot of grief in my 30 years. Through death, and through loss of a life we thought deserving of.
I lost my mom and my son to death. I lost my oldest daughter to a disease and with that disease went a life we thought we were deserving of.
Fifteen years ago, before cancer, death, and disease, we thought we would simply live a “normal” life. No death, no grief, no disease. While that seems ideal, We would have missed out on a spiritual growth we never knew was possible.
After all that I have read online from other grieving mothers, I have found that I am different than many of them who share about it on the world wide web. I often feel different and alone in my grief journey, at least in the natural sense.
I lost my mama and I hurt with a bittersweet hurt.
I lost my oldest daughter to a devastating diagnosis (that we live with daily) and I hurt with an exhausting hurt.
I lost my newborn son and I hurt with a suffocating hurt, like a crushing vice on my heart and lungs.
But JOY has still been present. Because the LORD has still been present.
Joy Word Study
JOY, n. a glorious and triumphant state [source] … bliss, delight…. we are triumphant because we are victorious in Jesus!
Scripture To Study:
…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2
I cling tight to the hope that is within me. To the fact that I know from my experiences, that He really does work ALL things for the good of His children.
I have read articles from other grieving mothers stating what should or should not be said to us who grieve. I have no doubt that most grieving mothers agree with the articles and do not want people to tell them “empty words”, such as “you will see them again in Heaven” or “God has a perfect plan for your life” or “God will carry you”.
These words do not feel empty to me.
They are words that I have read in some form or another straight from the Bible. How can they be empty when they reach so deeply into my soul? How can they be meaningless when I feel the comfort of such words wrap around me and engulf me with peace? My mind and my body may fight it, wanting to lash out in hurt and anger, but my soul needs these words of truth and finds strength in them.
Just because God has allowed such hurt and pain in my life does not mean that He is not a loving, all-knowing, and perfect God! It is because He is all of that and more, that I can experience such great pain and loss and still completely trust in Him and know that He indeed does know what is best for me and those around me.
I know that He allows these hurts because He loves me so deeply and perfectly that He knows exactly what I, my husband, my kids, the doctors, our friends, the nurses, even the lab techs, and everyone else around us needs in order to turn towards Him.
I believe that every single thing that happens on this earth will be used for good and bring glory to God. That includes the pain, the death, the tears, the hurt, the sleepless nights, the anger, the everything that seems so bad.
No, I do not expect myself or others experiencing grief to be happy happy fun fun .
But I expect myself and those who believe Jesus is their Lord & Savior to have an almost uncontrollable JOY that can not be smothered by the hurt in this life.
And with this JOY from the Lord, we are able to have understanding and grace and peace and strength unlike what we could ever do on our own.
I am not being deceitful when I share how we have been blessed by the trials, pains, tears, sleepless nights, and hurt. It is truth from the depths of my soul thanks to Jesus Christ.