I chose a bouquet of wild flowers for my mom. She loved wild flowers and I think of our ranch in Eastern Oregon and how the flowers are so pretty in the spring. Mom loved them.
And for my youngest child, my little buddy, we brought Elijah some white carnations and some silk white flowers in a square, small vase. The fake flowers are tall and I like how they mark his grave for all to see and know that he rests there and we still care.
It was hard. I missed my mom a lot, like always. I miss the years we had and the year we will never get.
I ached for Elijah. I accidentally called Marcus “Elijah”. I was shocked and literally almost sobbed. It felt so natural to be saying his name as though he were really here and I were talking to him. But, he wasn’t. He isn’t here and never will be again.
We are never the same after the death of our child…
I read my friend’s blog and see how she is hurting… missing her precious girl… and worried about the new life growing inside of her. I don’t feel like I can offer much encouragement or comfort. Instead I nod in agreement and fight back tears… How can I tell her it will be okay?
How can we expect healthy children who will outlive us? How can we quiet the worry and fear… the “what ifs”? We have felt the worse pain… we live with it daily. We know it doesn’t go away. We are missing part of our hearts.
We can’t say or think “oh that won’t happen to me… I won’t lose a child”… because it did happen. We know it is possible. We know that we have not been spared that pain… why wouldn’t we experience additional pain??
But, Jesus is the same…
I do know that we would never wish for things to be different, not really. We would choose to love our children all over again, even if we knew they would be taken from us in the end. It is better to have known and loved them, then to have not known them at all.
We have been made stronger because of them… we know it was God’s way of bringer us closer to Him. He gave them eternal life… how could we ask Him to change that!?
But, we are still human… just flesh and bone. And without Jesus, we would only live in the deepest, darkest depths of grief… never seeing any blessings in the midst of it.
The thought of losing another child takes away my breath… I want to beg God “please, please PLEASE, PLEASE NO!” I want to beg Him (and I have) to heal Abigail… to let all of my children be strong and healthy.
But, I know He has a perfect plan… and I do not want to change it, not down in the depths of my soul anyway. I know God sees me hurting… and He wants to comfort my breaking heart. He whispers, “trust me Child… I see the end result… I know what I am doing. It will be okay…”
As bad as this life may hurt… Eternity is all that matters! Because of Jesus, we will join our children in heaven…
And like my friend said… these precious children are not really ours anyway… God just gives them to us for a season… to love and to learn from.
They are a blessing… and instead of worrying about the future, I pray we can rejoice in the blessings of today. And, although we will never stop missing our babies, I pray we can find great joy in their reward!