I chose a bouquet of wild flowers for my mom. She loved wild flowers and I think of our ranch in Eastern Oregon and how the flowers are so pretty in the spring. Mom loved them.
And for my youngest child, my little buddy, we brought Elijah some white carnations and some silk white flowers in a square, small vase. The fake flowers are tall and I like how they mark his grave for all to see and know that he rests there and we still care.
It was hard. I missed my mom a lot, like always. I miss the years we had and the year we will never get.
I ached for Elijah. I accidentally called Marcus “Elijah”. I was shocked and literally almost sobbed. It felt so natural to be saying his name as though he were really here and I were talking to him. But, he wasn’t. He isn’t here and never will be again.
We are never the same after the death of our child…
I read my friend’s blog and see how she is hurting… missing her precious girl… and worried about the new life growing inside of her. I don’t feel like I can offer much encouragement or comfort. Instead I nod in agreement and fight back tears… How can I tell her it will be okay?
How can we expect healthy children who will outlive us? How can we quiet the worry and fear… the “what ifs”? We have felt the worse pain… we live with it daily. We know it doesn’t go away. We are missing part of our hearts.
We can’t say or think “oh that won’t happen to me… I won’t lose a child”… because it did happen. We know it is possible. We know that we have not been spared that pain… why wouldn’t we experience additional pain??
But, Jesus is the same…
I do know that we would never wish for things to be different, not really. We would choose to love our children all over again, even if we knew they would be taken from us in the end. It is better to have known and loved them, then to have not known them at all.
We have been made stronger because of them… we know it was God’s way of bringer us closer to Him. He gave them eternal life… how could we ask Him to change that!?
But, we are still human… just flesh and bone. And without Jesus, we would only live in the deepest, darkest depths of grief… never seeing any blessings in the midst of it.
The thought of losing another child takes away my breath… I want to beg God “please, please PLEASE, PLEASE NO!” I want to beg Him (and I have) to heal Abigail… to let all of my children be strong and healthy.
But, I know He has a perfect plan… and I do not want to change it, not down in the depths of my soul anyway. I know God sees me hurting… and He wants to comfort my breaking heart. He whispers, “trust me Child… I see the end result… I know what I am doing. It will be okay…”
As bad as this life may hurt… Eternity is all that matters! Because of Jesus, we will join our children in heaven…
And like my friend said… these precious children are not really ours anyway… God just gives them to us for a season… to love and to learn from.
They are a blessing… and instead of worrying about the future, I pray we can rejoice in the blessings of today. And, although we will never stop missing our babies, I pray we can find great joy in their reward!
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Bittersweet Post, Riss! Ya life really hurts, doesn't it? I often wonder how people without God can handle anything..((HUGS))
Very well written post! Life does hurt doesn't it? I thank God for all my healthy children,but from watching you and Shannon I see and know that life is fragile. We are here to glorify God and do His will and when our time is up we go Home! I thank God for being with you and strengthing,comforting and loving you!! I miss mom sooo much and it hurts so deep but I can't even imagine losing one of my children..I feel so selfish sometimes..begging God to not take them yet…begging Him to show me why I can't have more…then I am shown(through your blog or other ways) to count my blessings and THANK God for ALL of them….love you Clarissa…ALWAYS praying!!
Well written Ross:-) Its so true..how can we make empty promises? When we know deep down the unthinkable can happen. Often does it seems. I just hold onto the Truth that Gods can promise. 🙂 His promises are sure & something we can cling too. Like a life preserved..in the middle of lifes storms:-) Yes our God is still good. Still the same as when we were on that mountain top. Thankfully He is our solid ground:-) I love you Riss.Hurt for you. Miss my baby girl too. Praying always.:-)
I have no words, only tears in my eyes, and a prayer on my heart for you. <3
A beautiful post again! I have had miscarriages (I can't imagine they can compare to losing a baby you can see and hold)and I have watched you lose Elijah and hang onto Abigail as long as you can…I, too, have a hard time believing this baby I'm carrying will make it here whole, healthy, and alive. I feel so selfish and guilty like I'm borrowing from your hurt, but I can't seem to help it. Death is a reality and we will one day have to say goodbye to many we love, whether because they are leaving us behind or we are leaving them behind. But, indeed, God is good despite us. He strengthens us and keeps us ever close to his loving heart. Praying for you…love you =)
Life is full of times when we are on top of the mountain and then we are deep down in the valley…..just remember, just as the trees grow and flourish the most in the valley, so do we! The trees on the top of the mountain face all kinds of hardships, sometimes they are twisted and torn up, others survive but are gnarly and ugly, so in spite of the surrounding beauty, they face hardship also. But the trees in the valley are well taken care of, protected from the elements, watered well and provide a place of refuge for all of God's creatures. So it is that God has given us both in our lifetime….He takes care of us and guides us through each trial in our life….He prunes us as He sees fit and prepares us for the most beautiful Mansion of all….HEAVEN….spent forever with our SAVIOUR and all our loved ones. Lord, we thank You for all your care and love! We thank You for teaching us to look to You for comfort and strength each step of our way. Under Your wings we find a place of rest. Thank You Lord!