My Grief Journey

Many have started this journey before me and sadly, many will embark on this journey every day after me as well. I don’t really understand the purpose, although I try to simply rest in the truth that it is God’s purpose and His will and that it’s all for a reason.

But, I’ll admit that I’m struggling.

This pregnancy (my 6th!) has been really great physically, but it’s been very hard emotionally. I think it’s been good for the grieving process… but hard nonetheless.

Every day, week, month… moment up until week 25, I was thinking of when I carried Elijah. I was also fighting anxiety. Fear that this baby wasn’t healthy, wouldn’t survive. I couldn’t sleep at night, and when I did I had nightmares about my kids dying. It was difficult.

I thought once we were past the 25-week mark and had had the ultrasounds showing our healthy baby, that things would get better… and in some ways they have. I do sleep better at night.

But, every day, week, and month after 25 weeks… I have grieved Elijah more deeply than before. Each moment I have carried this baby that I didn’t get to carry Elijah… I grieve.

The pain comes in waves, some tiny and some huge. I never know when they’ll hit.

The thin line between joy and pain is blurred and I am confused at times.

I have experienced tremendous joy during this pregnancy, over the amazing miracle and gift of life, but mixed right in with the joy, the pain is there… rearing its ugly head. Reminding me of what was, could have been, and never will be on this side of Heaven.

I tend to shut off my emotions, hide them inside, or express myself in anger… therefore, I have become distant with my husband. 🙁 I have cried to him and been comforted by him (of course), but the daily grief I keep inside.

I feel terrible… He is my best friend, the man I love, and the one who loves me… and I want to be close, but it’s almost too painful to be. He is the only one who knows the pain of losing Elijah as I do… he lost his son, too. Why is it so hard to grieve together?

Maybe we are grieving together, but each in our own way. He has been my strength, aside from Jesus.

Please pray that I can be more real in our relationship, transparent, & less angry.

I don’t really feel angry inside. Inside I am sad. But, I am so angry outwardly… and my husband and children suffer from it.

Mostly, I yell a lot. It is so hard for me to type this here, but I know I need the prayers, so please pray for me.

I feel weak. I wonder why God has brought us down this road of grief that seems never-ending… starting with my mom being sick and dying, to Abigail being sick with a terminal/progressive disease, and then losing Elijah.

I wonder what more He will ask of us?

I feel like I have spent my entire life grieving. I want it to stop.

And I know it never will. Not until Heaven.

Okay, I do feel better after writing that. Now, do I dare publish it?

I have to say, writing seems to help me sort out my feelings and lead me back to the One Truth, the unchanging and always constant, Jesus. Even I as type some of the most depressing words I know… death, grief, loss, pain… I feel Jesus wrap His arms around me and comfort me.

I am reminded that although I do not understand the pain, He does. And He DOES have a purpose… there are rhyme and reason to the riddles of this life.

He is my Savior, my Lord, my Rock… in Him there is rest.

Ultimately, I know that my life is in existence to simply bring glory to God… and I know I am His. The greatest purpose of each life is to testify of Jesus Christ and what He has done for us… and the greatest gift is eternal life.

If all of this pain means that one more soul is saved… then Lord Jesus I ask that you give me strength that is not my own to continue on this road. I know that if my life is to bring glory to God, then it is surely not my own, for of my own will and strength I can do nothing to glorify my God… but in Jesus Christ, the deepest pain can be used for His purpose.

I pray that He will use me as He sees fit, despite my weakness.

Psalm 86:11-13
11Teach me thy way, O LORD; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name.
12I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore.
13For great is thy mercy toward me: and thou hast delivered my soul from the lowest hell.